Language of the Lonely

I’ll admit, I have a bit of a soft spot for the personals. It’s more for a laugh than anything else. I mean, half of them sound like a direct rip-off of “if you like pina coladas”. Some of them I just look at and after reading the little blurb they wrote about themselves, it’s painfully apparent that he’s a shut-in and she’s a cat lady.
However, every so often I find a good one. Not like a good personals ad or somebody actually interesting in the personals. When I say “a good one” I mean an ad more mystifying than the word jumble, sudoku, and stone henge combined. I know SWF stands for Single White Female. M means Male, but maybe it’s just me, I can never make it much further with the initials.
What I found even more amazing is the attention to detail that goes into writing these things. Word choice is very delicate procedure in the world of personals ads. While some people straight up lie (like that lady that says she’s a size 4 and lives with her 5 cats… I mean, c’mon) there are those who know the name of the game. “Statue-esque” means it’s like dating a shaved Bigfoot. “Cozy apt.” means a hole in the wall and after the first date you’ll be going back to your place because his/her mom doesn’t like having “friends” over after 9. Some of these discrepancies are noticeable, but you just hafta understand the subtext of the personals, which I admittedly do not. I can tell some of the basics, but then again, so can just about anybody. However, knowing me, I have an unquenchable thirst for absolutely useless knowledge, so I’ve come up with a solution.
In a desperate attempt to solve this dilemma I’ve resolved that when I am financially sound I’m going to take lessons in Personals. Maybe see if I can pick up a Muzzy tape or something. “Muzzy Finally gets Laid”. Another good technique is what we used back in middle school. Ah yes, good ol’ Learnables. You listen to a tape and look at pictures so you associate the words on the recording with the images before you. Either way, I will not stop until I’m fluent in Personals. Then I’ll write a book or maybe make a decoder ring that you can get in your box of Frosted Flakes so that you can translate the personals.
This goes out to all those who yearn to understand just what is going on when a woman says she’s “d&d neg”.


One thought on “Language of the Lonely

  1. You should read “Possible Side Effects” by Auguston Burrows. There’s a whole story about his friend who spent 2 thousand dollars taking out a whole page to write her personal ad.Even the author himself used to post personal ads for fun when he was drunk.

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