Facebook Crushes: Lovely Fantasies & the Soul-Crushing Reality

I know that I can’t possibly be the only one that this has happened to, so i figure it bears asking. Have you ever been in the situation where you’ve been stalking Facebook (as all of us do) and you see this really attractive person and as a result you kinda Facebook stalk them? Not in an “I won’t be ignored, Dan” Fatal Attraction kinda way, but you go back to their profile every so often, check their favorites to see if you have anything in common, or on occasion peruse through your mutual friends to see if he/she’s friends with someone you actually like and didn’t just become Facebook friends with out of Facebok pity and could possibly get an introduction.
Okay, well, I don’t think it’s creepy, but maybe I’m the only one. Anyways, I find that I kinda romanticize this person. I find myself enamored with every little anecdote about the person. Don’t worry, i fall short of the whole writing their name all over my notebooks or imagining what our kids would look like. It’s a curious fascination rather than an actual love or even like at this point.
Anyways, this post is to persuade you to under no circumstances meet with this person. I’m not talking about all the potential Amber alerts or even that whole thing with the guy who met a chick on Myspace and killed her parents so they could be together or whatever. No, the reasoning behind this is entirely self-absorbed and shallow. Suffice it to say, you will be disappointed both in me and in the potential person. Here’s a few reasons why…

1) People straight up lie. I will admit to this. I carefully go through my Facebook favorites and only add the books, movies, and music which I think will make me look most sophisticated, mature, and/or intellectual. Admit it, you do too. In actuality, to most people I probably come off as some stuffy, pretentious asshole. Why, do you ask, would I manufacture such an unattractive alter ego? I think all of us write those things with the express purpose of attracting a certain kind of person, so what may be pretentious to you, may just be meant to attract a different kind of person. Either way, don’t fall for the trick, at least not such an easy one at least.

2) Pictures. I’ve heard that television cameras add about 10 lbs. Facebook cameras subtract about 20. It sounds mean, but the men and women you find yourself interested are not as svelt in real life as those horribly attractive pictures of them wailing Cascada at the top of their lungs whilst shit faced. I urge you to think about it, do you like person for more than their looks? If you said “yes” to that question just realistically, you’re probably lying. You only know them on Facebook… I mean, c’mon.

3) You’re star struck. Much like some B List celebrity, these people aren’t actually better than you (chances are you’re better off than most B List celebs at this point) it’s just the fact that you run in different circles that you’re intrigued by them. And much like when meeting most faded stars, it’ll probably be somewhere drinks are being served and they’ll either end up being an asshole, a slut, or wind up throwing up on you at some point in the night. Although it may be Flava Flav’s vomit… it’s still vomit. The same basic rules apply to your Facebook crush. In actually meeting them, the stardust in your eyes will eventually wear off and you’ll be as dysenchanted as ever.

4) Finally, and most obvious, Facebook is the internet! Facebook doesn’t take into account other aspects of a person other than their activities, interests, favorites, etc. There’s much to a person than those basic categories and while, to some, that might mean there’s more for you to like about the person, in this pessimist’s guide that just means that there’s just that much more that can go wrong with the person. For instance, you could find this guy and you really like him and only until later would you find out that he likes to wear a diaper and be spanked. Maybe there’s a reason Facebook doesn’t have a section for fetishes… or maybe there’s yet another reason that Facebook relationships aren’t exactly recommendable.

Honestly, if you’re reading this, you’ve already demonstrated considerable intelligence and since I base my friendships on physical attractiveness, and that alone, you can probably do better than a Facebook crush. So face the music, Facebook crushes never work out well for anyone.

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