I think one of the greatest reactions to my coming out was from one girl, who shall remain nameless, who responded with “Oh okay… so do you wanna go shopping sometime?”. because clearly since I labeled myself as a gay man, i stripped myself off all masculinity. I basically ripped off my balls and gave them to her as a late birthday present. I’m now free to go shopping with women as much as I want to. there’s only one problem… I don’t want to.
So to answer your question… No, no I do not wanna go shopping with you. There seems to be some preconceived notion that gays love shopping almost as much as they love dick. Well, ladies, I’m here to tell you this is one gay guy who does not wanna go shopping with you now or ever. It’s nothing against you personally, it’s just that you would never ask one of your other male friends to go shopping with you, so why would you ask me? And for those women that would ask their straight male counterparts A) That’s probably why you’re single and B) It’s pretty emasculating to be asked to be a girl’s shopping partner. The 5 reasons that follow are the reasons why I don’t wanna go shopping with you.
1) I don’t wear women’s clothing. I have absolutely no reason to go shopping with you for something that I don’t need. That’s another thing you need to know about me. I’m a “need to” shopper. I derive very little pleasure from shopping and pretty much only do it when I need to. And as it just so happens, I don’t need to go shopping for women’s clothing so chances are that I won’t go.
2) Having a gay friend does not make him your personal shopper. I don’t know what’s gonna look cute on you. I don’t know if you’re an Autumn or a Winter. I don’t know any of these things so I’ll be about as helpful in picking out your clothing as Helen Keller would be.
3) I have no personal investment in what you wear. If you wanna look good for someone, why don’t you ask the person you’re trying to impress to go shopping with you? They’ll probably be able to better tell you what they think you look good than I would. Contrary to popular belief, gays don’t have mind-reading abilities. I can’t tell you “Oh yeah, I’m sensing he’s gonna like the red shirt with those jeans!” I can’t tell so don’t ask me to.
4) I never ask you to go shopping with me. It doesn’t seem fair that you get to use me for my shopping expertise (if you can even call it expertise) when I never ask you for help with shopping. I know what some people are thinking. They’re saying “well, you could!” Yes, yes I could. However, my shopping consists of going to target and grabbing a pack of V-neck undershirts or the terrible trouble of opening a package from my mother who all too often sends me clothing because she knows I’m too lazy to go shopping for myself and that I’ll pretty much wear what’s easiest. Not exactly the same as spending an hour in Abercrombie, my headache pulsing to the beat of the shitty techno music, while she goes in and out of the dressing room, supposedly trying on different pairs of jeans, although they all look the same to me, and asking me which I like best. There’s a bit of a difference.
5) I will lie and say anything looks good to get me out of that store. I’ve done it before too. It eventually gets to the point where it becomes hard for me to even pretend to care about what you’re going to wear. I will do my best to feign some sort of interest, but usually around the third or fourth “uh huh” I find that most girls catch on…