My Problem with Mr. Peanut

Mr. Peanut. Before I tell you why I don’t like Mr. Peanut, can anyone tell me why they do like him? Because I’m convinced that no one actually likes Mr. Peanut, they just all say that they do because he represents class and sophistication in the nut world, and no one wants to be thought poorly of in the nut world. Well, I for one do not care what cashews nor pecans nor peanuts think of me because I will tell you all about my dislike of him.

First off, he wears a monocle… I mean, seriously, what ass hat wears a monocle? Nobody thinks you’re of high breeding just because you were too cheap to spring for two lenses and frames like any normal person would. You don’t seem worldly, so why don’t you just cut it out?

Come to think of it, most of my beef with him is wardrobe choice and the way he carries himself. For instance, say I was cool with the monocle, didn’t mind it one bit, he’s still got a top hat and cane. Where ya goin’ that you need to be dressed all fancy for Mr. Peanut? Last time I saw ya, you were by the cash register in Walgreen’s… not exactly primo location, so why don’t ya try wearing some jeans or even cords or how about wearing pants at all instead of focusing on your stupid top hate and cane.

And that’s my last thing, the cane, top hat, and monocle are not only kinda douche bag-y, but they’re kinda condescending. I don’t really understand why a peanut is talking down to me, because in the grand scheme of things, human trumps peanut. I could just eat you ya smug prick. Still, even knowing that I could just eat him, there’s something very shameful about being made to think lesser of yourself by a peanut.

In conclusion, I know all the decisions about Mr. Peanut and his dress were made by the corporation, but I still think he’s a dick…


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