The Habits of your Average Female as Noted by a Gay Man

I’ve never pretended to understand a lot about women. Honestly, they’re as confusing to me as they are to anyone else. However, there’s one thing I’ve picked up on. That my friends, is what I’m hear to tell you about. I’ll take you step by step through some of the goofier aspects of the female psyche as understood by a man who has admittedly never been with a woman before…

First there are the basics. You have your loaded questions. I.e. Everyone knows that when a girl says “You think this dress is cute… right?” It’s the effective pause and inflection of her saying “right?” that defines your answer. If her inflection slides up towards the end, the obvious answer is yes. If she starts talking softly towards the end of her words, it’s almost as if she’s asking you to say no. That’s the tricky part though. You never simply say “no” or even “I’m not a huge fan” or something like that. You say “It’s not my favorite. I personally liked blah blah blah better.” You always suggest another possibility, otherwise you may end up like me. Can you believe I’ve been accused of being an unsympathetic shopper? Yeah… neither can I…

Another thing I’ve noticed about language may be specific to the women in my life, but I urge you all to investigate for yourselves. Alright, so here’s how it goes. You’re talkin’ about… tapas or some shit. Say this girl really likes tapas… like, “Oh my God! Tapas?” and then when she gets to the critical declaration of her love of tapas, somehow and for some reason, the natural register of her voice lowers. Then she whispers excitedly “I love tapas!”. Never does she actually say in her normal voice that she loves tapas, she always whispers it. And it’s not limited to tapas either… I’ve noticed a lotta girls I know always talk at a normal volume and then when they LOVE something, they talk really quietly. It’s not even shit they should be ashamed of. For instance, the whispering would be expected if she was talking about her love of Barry Manilow , but no, it’s pretty much around the clock.

Finally, the eating habits of these women was drivin’ me nuts. let me preface this by saying that I’m for the most part happy with my figure, I love those Dove commercials, and I’m all about natural beauty. Still, these girls make even me feel self conscious. We had people bring in cookies and snacks and stuff for one of my classes (yes, I’m 20 and still have classes where people bring in cookies… I go to art school, lay off!) Anyways, we all go to the middle table to grab some food. None of the girls moved at first, they let the guys go first because evidently guys can’t get fat or don’t care about it or something, I don’t know, I personally don’t get the logic. Anyways, that’s when the girls go up. They all shuffle around the table a couple times, peeking at the food before returning to their seat. When they sit down, the food is spread out across the plate, but it’s not a whole lot but (and this is where it gets weird) every chick has at least 2 cookies. By the end of the class, the cookies are gone, except for one cookie which has a single nibble taken out of it. They throw away almost a full cookie! One girl I asked about this (not one of the girls from my class) and she agreed with me and preceded to explain to me by leaving something on your plate it makes it seem as if you’re not fat or whatever. Number one, none of these women in my class are unhealthy by any standards. Two, just because you leave a part of a cookie doesn’t mean you didn’t have a whole three before it. And third and finally… it makes me feel bad too, okay?!?!? I mean, seriously, I understand the logic of it, but I’m not sure I’ll ever get it.

Anyways, just thought I’d share these observations with you all, because, well… sharing is caring.

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