Doublemint is Living a Lie

So, I was in the grocery store the other day. As I waited for the cashier to finish counting the coupons of the old lady in front of me, I began to peruse the selection of outrageous shit they have at the counter. Evidently, one of the Olsen twins is a balloon now and some stupid bitch from CSI is leaving her husband (I have my doubts about either of those things being true, but even if they are, as if they’re newsworthy?) National Enquirer only remains interesting for so long, and for me, about 5 seconds seems about right. I started checking out the gum, thinking about how many varieties of gum can you possibly have? Myself, I’m more of a classic kinda guy, gimme some Wrigley’s any day. When I finally got to the Wrigley’s I was checkin’ out the spearmint and the Doublemint and the Juicy Fruit and all that shit, when I had a stunning realization. Doublemint is living a lie. Doublemint’s not a mint at all. It’s even underlined in red because spell check doesn’t even recognize it as a real word. Anyways, if you go to Wikipedia (the God of all knowledge) and search spearmint, it even has a genus species name, Mentha spicata for those interested,that’s how official it is! Wintergreen is a group of plants, but a legit thing nevertheless, whereas, if you were to type in Doublemint into Wikipedia, you’d get “Doublemint is a flavor of chewing gum made by the Wrigley Company. It was launched in the United States in 1914, and has had variable market share since that time.” It’s been fooling decent, hardworking, American consumers since 1914! I brought it upon myself to expose Doublemint for the liar that it is. It’s not a mint at all! It’s not even a plant! That being said, I hope this Earth-shattering revelation isn’t too heartbreaking for anyone, but I just felt it was important that people know the truth about this fraudulent gum.

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