Dear Nicolas Cage

Dear Nicolas Cage,
May I call you Nic? It’s a bit of an informality, but I just wanted to be clear about one thing. I am not a fan. Now I know times have been rough, what with your multiple lawsuits and you having to sell off your castles (real tragedy, by the way) but that’s beside the point. This is a simple request from one man to another. Stop. Just stop. I know it’s hard for you to contemplate something like that as you bounce from million dollar paycheck to million dollar paycheck, but let’s be realistic. You started doing crap long before the legal papers came. While the 90s held some promise (I can’t stress enough only some) it’s time to let the 90s go and move on. It’s a hard thing to hear, I know. I mean, I know that I had a hard time saying goodbye to the 90s, but then again saying goodbye to your Blues Travelers and Del Amitri CDs is never an easy affair. Still, it’s time to man up and move on.
Let’s move on to the 2000s, shall we? 2000 started out rough for you, we get it. I mean, sure you had Gone in Sixty Seconds but Angelina Jolie with white-trash bleach blond hair and you by her side can only sustain your fame for so long. Me? Personally that was never my scene, but you showed promise in Adaptation. Arguably, one of your finest roles, but then again, that’s not saying much. After all, that is why I’m here.
Most of the rest of your filmography is too bleak to mention. I mean, Ghost Rider? Really? Don’t get me wrong, I get it as a paycheck movie (still doesn’t mean I’m too happy about that sequel in production), but you claim to be a comic book fan. For God’s sake, you stuck your poor kid with Superman’s name on his home planet. Where’s the integrity of the original Ghost Rider? As a comic book fan, the awful movie that you helped put out in the world should at least trouble your conscience a little… but as evidenced by the sequel in production, this is obviously not the case.
So in conclusion, I’ll give ya 2010. Hell, it’s already like the year of Nicolas Cage with some of the big budget stuff you’ve got goin’ on. But maybe next year you could take it easy? Or really, just all together stop making movies. I dunno, just a suggestion, but think about it.
Sincerely,
Calhoun
PS Punching a chick even with the anonymity of a bear costume? Not cool Nic, not cool

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