The Ugly Truth About Ugly Babies

Alright, I have something to say and I’m going to go ahead and pretend like people on the internet listen to me. I know there are a lot of silly things out there that we all choose to believe, like every student is special or that that guy who hasn’t called back 2 days after the first date MIGHT still call, but there’s one thing I’ve seen enough of and I cannot in good conscience let it continue.

This harsh reality has to do with babies. No, it’s not that I’m 22 and my paternal clock is ticking or that I am in fact the Lindbergh baby re-incarnated, but rather about other people and their babies. I know you want to show them off and believe me, women, I support your right. After carrying something around me for 9 months and pushing it out of your lady parts, to say you’ve earned the right is the understatement of the year. But the truth is, there are babies out there that, plain and simple, just aren’t cute.

This isn’t a statement on the character and I could see how it could be perceived as an insult to the parents (which is probably why I’ll never saw that to their faces) but there are babies out there that are just ugly as sin. It doesn’t mean they’ll stay ugly, but infancy just doesn’t take to some babies like it does others.

I’ll give you an example of one of those kids that I’ve seen on the train. He couldn’t have been more than 6 months, but seriously, he looked like a mini- old man. His skin was wrinkled and pruny, his hair was in tufts, and I’ll admit, the clearly soiled diaper probably wasn’t helping the kid. Now I’m not saying to straight up tell people “hey guys, great job on the sex part, but better luck next time on the end result…” but can we just stop fawning over abby pictures all the time?

I say this as a man who enjoys kids (get your mind out of the gutter, you know what I mean) and hopes to have one someday, so I can’t really play the cynical card on this one, so I guess I’ll just have to roll with the ugly truth instead (no pun intended). That being said, I can’t understand where parents are coming from that they want to brag about their child, but what I mean is, it always seems that people try to over-compliment ugly babies to make up for the fact that they’re ugly.

It’s a harsh truth that no matter how many times “precious” is thrown about, ugly is still ugly. The best I can do is hope that it’s an awkward phase that they grow out of, but I’m certainly not going to try to bluff my way out of it. The fact of the matter is, even ugly babies usually have one crowning characteristic. Highlight that and you’re set. Parents are guaranteed to be pleased, you haven’t hurt the baby’s un-manifested ego, and hopefully they won’t ever ask you about him/her again.


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