Where Have All the Ugos Gone?

So after years of putting of watching Twilight, I figured I should actually sit down and watch something if I hate it so much. The fact of the matter is, up until last night, I didn’t hate Twilight so much as I lacked respect for the author and what she was doing with the proceeds from the book series, but it is her right to do what she sees fit with the money she’s earned. However, it’s also my right to refuse to spend money supporting her political agenda. Nevertheless, my politics aren’t the subject of discussion here today. Now, after the tedium that is Kristen Stewart’s acting and the barely passable script, I can safely say that I hate Twilight. My frustration knows no bounds so I’ll have to get a review on Twilight at a later date, maybe when I’ve actually calmed down after wasting my life.

Today’s topic, however, isn’t entirely off the topic of the famous vamp franchise. It’s more a question of fans of just about any vampire series. Where’d all the ugos go? I mean, it may not be nice to say, but we all know that most people out there aren’t sinewy male leads or size zero seductresses. There are ugly people in the world. It’s just plain true.

I think most people by now have noticed the link between vampirism (be it in the books or the movies) and raw sex appeal. It’s even there as early as Bram Stoker’s Dracula. Let’s ignore the creepy necrophilia aspect and just concentrate on this correlation of vampirism and sex. Sure, Twilight is very restrained in its depiction, but still, one of the first things noted about Edward Cullen is that he’s “gorgeous.” I personally don’t see it, but whatever. It’s no surprise that he’s considered attractive, because a lot of vampires use their sexuality to prey on their victims.

This is where the unmentionables come in. Are we supposed to assume that ugly vampires die out because they can’t seduce people to feed off of them? Or is it that they just don’t get turned into vampires because they’re ugly? Vampires just feed off of them and leave them to die. I’m just saying, someone needs to step up and start representing the unattractive princes of darkness. It just isn’t fair. I mean we have a term for discrimination against race and gender and all these things, but not against ugly vampires? We need to get started on that, that’s all I’m saying. Ugly vamps need to step it up.

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