Millions of young people flee to LA with stars in their eyes and the dream of making it big. The reality of it? At least a couple hundred will end up slinging hamburgers, even more will end up on a bus back home and, well, some will try less legal means to survive before admitting failure. Yeah, don’t pretend you don’t know what I’m talkin’ about…
But every so often the paths of the ill-fated and the starstruck cross. We like to call that the horror movie. Sure, I love horror movies as much as… no, probably more than the next guy. Still, I’m not gonna pretend it’s glamorous. I mean, sure there’s the blood and the splatter and for some reason the occasional nip slip, but what do we expect? It’s Hollywood, sex and violence go together like milk and cookies.
Still, this isn’t some rant about the amoral products of Hollywood. No sir, this is about that dream of making it big, and where do you start? Shakin’ your goods for the cameraman in a horror movie. I mean, look at the track record folks. Jennifer Aniston in Leprechaun. I mean, sure, she’s not much of an actress, but she’s cute as hell and that didn’t seem to bother much of America during her Friends days. Renee Zellwegger in The Return of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre or as I like to call it Oh God Please Let This Be the Last One or Kill Me Now So I Don’t Have to Suffer Through ANother Renee Zellwegger Movie. There’s a surprisingly long list of actors and actresses (although primarily actresses) who have gone legitimate after their horror debuts.
Alas, I digress again. You see, this isn’t about the folks that make it big. If you thought that it was, my apologies. This is about their co-stars, the ones that get left behind and singed by the blast as others skyrocket towards fame. Most famously, “the naked girl”. Now you may be thinking, “What naked girl? What the hell is he talking about?” But let’s not be naive. When talking about horror, specifically the slasher, we’re usually talkin’ some nudity. This is before the days where PG-13 horror dominated, of course.
But let’s talk a minute, and stop and thinking about all those women that got their kits off for the enjoyment of the audience, only to be brutally murdered by some masked figure. Ignore the absolute humiliation of being found naked and dead, I’m talkin’ about the actress here. She gets to look forward to callin’ home and saying, “Look ma, I made it!” I mean, sure, there’s that, followed quickly by “Oh no, no, that’s fine, you don’t need to see it. I just wanted to tell you I got an acting job…” I’d take being discovered naked over that awkward conversation any day, but that could just be me. So this is for you ladies, the unsung and undressed heroes of horror. May God and your mother never see your shame.