Today is the day and age of growing up way too fast. I don’t know when it happened or how to fix it, but that’s where we are these days. Kids are starting to become sexually active at a younger age. Hell, I even saw an 8 year old with an iPhone at the bus stop with her babysitter the other day. If we’re being perfectly honest, I was more upset that an 8 year old can afford nicer things than I can, but that’s irrelevant!
As children grow up too fast, the issue at hand is that childhood problems don’t go away. For instance, you think you because your kid has got a Coach purse she (or God bless the little fella, he) isn’t gonna have problems at school? That just makes her/him an easier target if you ask me. But then again, none of you did ask me. Well, not directly, but I guess by reading my blog you sorta are asking for my advice… That’s kinda flattering… You’d actually be surprised by how few people ask for my advice. Why? I don’t know, I give great advice. But right, back on message, gotta stay on point.
Alright, so where was I? Oh yeah, even though kids may act more and more like miniature adults (shut up, I know that that’s kinda what they are anyway) doesn’t mean they stop having kid problems. Using the kids I see in the world around me, I’m here to offer some real world solutions to childhood problems.
1. Problem – Your son or daughter is getting picked on at school by a bully.
Solution – While I would never advocate your child using violence of any sort, I do encourage an open discussion between parents and children. Be sure to show interest/concern for your child. Children should feel safe to talk to their parents and ask for their help. That’s why, if your child seems like he/she is the victim of bullying, you should offer your help like any parent would. Money. If he/she is concerned about his/her safety, there’s always the option of hiring someone else to teach this bully a lesson. Remember, I said I’d never advocate the child using violence, never said no to anyone else. Take a page out of that Texas mom’s handbook, the one who took a hit out on the other girl on the cheerleading squad. I mean, people remember her for a reason.
2. Problem – Your son or daughter has a crush and is nervous about asking out a boy/girl at school.
Solution – Show interest. Ask them about their crush. Sure, they may be mortified at first, but in the end it’ll pay off. Oh wait, I take that back. Tell them to watch Pretty Woman instead. They’ll soon realize that a way to another person’s heart isn’t through love or affection, it’s through money. If they’re not Julia Roberts fans, which believe me, I can relate, tell them to check out The Real Housewives of New Jersey or any other city. They really both prove the same point. Money talks. Then the best you can do is step back and let the magic happen. Oh, and leaving your kid a couple of 20s certainly wouldn’t hurt your chances at the “Parent of the year” award.
3. Problem – Your son or daughter is struggling in school.
Solution – Like I said, showing interest is key… but listening to kids’ problems is boring. Ship ’em off to a shrink who will pump them full of drugs till they’re too numb to whine about anything. Yet another problem solved by paying someone else to care. If you’re one of those folks who doesn’t believe in pharmacology, at least cut the kid some slack and hire someone else to do their homework. They get the good grades and you get to look like the hero.
So there you have it. Three common problems met with three real-world life lessons taught by yours truly. You may note that I myself do not have children. It’ll happen one of these days and until then, I live vicariously through the parents of the world, buying their children’s affection one day at a time. God bless America.