The Great Speedway Robbery

Now I know what most of you are thinking, and no, I’m not planning on knocking over a bank. Besides, even if I was, why would I tell you? And why would I post it on the internet? That’s a mistake of Bond villain proportions. Everybody knows you never really the master plan before it’s been carried out. But all this is irrelevant, because, like I said, this is not my plan for a robbery.

Instead, this is about Speedway robbing me. Now I’m not sure if all of you are aware of Speedway, the heaven with bad fluorescent lighting and coffee stains where there should be no coffee stains, and I mean ever. But really, I talk a lotta trash considering that whole “I need it to live” thing. Anyway, it’s a gas station with a mini mart basically. It’s not far so I usually end up finding my way there at least 2 or 3 times during the week.

Well, over the course of the summer, Speedway has a marketing promotion. All fountain drinks, any size for 69 cents. Good deal, right? Well, what makes it a good deal, at least for me is that this includes the ever-delightful and always delicious slurpees that they have. We’re talkin’, I’m a fiend for slurpees. I legitimately have at a bare minimum 3 in a week, but usually more. That’s gotta be healthy, right?

Well, anyway, I went to the neighborhood Speedway and I round the corner to get to the slurpee machine. What’s this? I don’t like to see that much red on any frozen beverage machine. The accompanying “out-of-order” sign didn’t inspire much faith either. So I thought to myself, “okay, okay, don’t panic. There’s another Speedway, like half a mile away.” So I get in the car and start to drive. When I get there and all they have are coke icees (don’t even get me started on those) I decide to give up. Defeated, I return to my car.

That’s when it dawns on me. That’s right folks, we’re talkin’ the great slurpee conspiracy of 2010. Not only does Speedway not want me to have a slurpee, but they’ve implemented a dastardly way of getting their way. See, this is how I figure. They bust all the slurpee machines within a 5 mile radius, okay? Then, the unsuspecting folks that just want their 69 cent (76 if we’re including tax I think) slurpee go to their nearest Speedway. When it’s not there, they go to the next closest. When they’re out, they keep going in hopes of finding one. Well, by that point, the poor consumers will have depleted enough gas to buy at least 3 large slurpees from 7/11, but it’ll be time to get gas. Where do they go? Well, they’re already at Speedway, so why not just get gas there too?

And there you have it folks. Now I’m no conspiracy nut, I’m just saying, if I was an evil villain/corporate mogul, it’s the perfect plan, right? Well, okay, maybe there are some flaws in there. Actually, I’m starting to think it’s a terrible plan. Ya know what? I’m just gonna blame it on the slurpee withdrawal.


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