Children’s Stories for Grown Ups

Don’t even bother asking what has possessed me to share this, but over the past few months, I’ve been looking back at the nostalgic fairy tales from my childhood. Granted, now that I’m 23 and the pixie dust has worn off, it’s become pretty clear that fairy tales aren’t magical stories that little children should aspire to, but rather, sugarcoated warnings from adults being passed onto their children.

But let’s be real, folks. There’s no time for subtlety these days. Sometimes the truth hurts and you just hafta go for the gut. That’s when my friends and I, being the savvy business folks that we are, decided “hey, there’s a market for these things…” and thus, our very own line of adult fairy tales (or the real message behind these heartwarming stories) was born. Here are just a few pitch ideas.

White Russian and the Seven Drunks
One of the many interpretations of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs is that it represents the seven stages of heroin abuse. Now, this may be a little dark for our children. Plus, heroin’s kinda 90s so we’ve updated the story a little. The fair bar wench White Russian is cast out by her new ex-stripper stepmother and forced to reside with seven little alcoholics. Now, I bet you think you know where this is going, a tale of the dangers of alcohol abuse? Wrong! The real lesson is learned when Destiny (the evil stepmother) challenges White Russian to a drinking contest and Destiny comes down with alcohol poisoning. Moral of the story? Don’t fuck with family… especially an alcoholic one.

Roofied Aurora
One of the frequently neglected Disney princesses, the story of Sleeping Beauty‘s Aurora is an odd one to begin with. I mean, I get the whole “true love’s kiss” thing, but there’s the obvious necrophilia angle there. See, we coulda gone for that, but that’s too easy. No, instead, Aurora goes to a rager with her three besties (stands in for the fairies) and while they’re all talking about cute the prince is, he sleeps a roofie into her drink. That way, he’s pretty much guaranteed to score, right? Not cool Prince Phil, not cool. Moral of the story? This one’s a double whammy. On the surface, it’s clearly a morality tale about not leaving your drink unattended or else strange dudes (no matter how hot they are, it’s still creepy) will try to get with you in your sleep. But on a deeper level, it’s about how your besties should always have your back and not let guys roofie you. I think we can all learn from that one…

Beauty and the Beater
Now I know people love beauty and the Beast and Belle is kinda hot for a fairy tale princess, but has anybody actually taken the time to consider what it’s about? I mean, the guy kidnaps her father and only agrees to let him go in a semi-sexual barter. After that, sure, she pouts, but the dude also hits her and freaks out on her a couple times. Besides the whole hair thing, he’s not much of a catch, but still she sticks with him. In our version of the story, Belle doesn’t take any shit. After the beast, hits her, she goes all Lorena Bobbit on his ass and chops off his unit. Moral of the story? For the fellas, beating women means you lose the one appendage you probably cared about most. For the ladies? Don’t take shit from nobody.

These are just some rough drafts for stories yet to come. Keep an eye out for updates on the hideously inappropriate “Children’s Stories for Grown Ups” series!

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