Gift Ideas for 2010

As Christmas approaches (sorry my Jew friends, you already had your fun) I find an overwhelming desire for things I don’t need and more than likely will forget about in several weeks time. I mean, lemme tell ya, I’ve been asking for things that have actual use these past few Christmases and teh disappointment is staggering. Granted, being a media and cinema studies grad student does tend to lend itself towards “needing” some unusual stuff, like all the seasons of The West Wing. For those of you that doubt the usefulness of The West Wing other than enjoyment, just check the A I got in my Fandom & Active Audience class. Besides, I don’t hafta justify myself to the internet!

Anyway, sorry, got a little hostility goin’ on there. In honor of the spirit of the season (the spending of money, not that Jesus Christ stuff) I have decided to compile a list of useless gift ideas. Considering just how many useless gifs there are out there, I’ll try to keep it to a minimum, but I make no promises…

1) 3D TV

Have you ever wanted the feeling of "oh shit, there's a ball coming at my head"? Now you can!

3D has single handedly become one of the most obnoxious fads to sweep the country, and I’m including parachute pants. I don’t mean to moralize (but let’s face it, I have a tendency to do just that) but when the unemployment rate is as high as it is, how can you justify buying a new TV that will more than likely be irrelevant by 2015? On the off chance that you can justify that… well, good for you hotshot. Hell, not even taking the economy into consideration, what has 3D added to any movie besides the faint feeling of nausea that usually hits around 30 minutes in? But who am I kidding? My real concern is that if word ever got out that I owned a 3D TV, one of my friends would probably make me watch Avatar in 3D again.

2) Chia Pet (Of the Scooby Doo or Obama variety)

1 to 2 weeks? What kid has that kind of attention span?

or for the discerning patriot…

Nobody else thought giving our first black president nappy seed-like hair was a little bit racist? Seriously?

Alright, I admit, this may be a personal thing. That’s right, it’s time to play “Uncover the Deep Seeded Emotional Childhood Trauma!” When I was a kid, I wanted a chia pet really badly. I think it had something to do with the snazzy jingle, but I’m not entirely sure… anyway, my parents would never buy me one. They said that it was too messy, which I guess is valid reasoning. But then they said it was because they didn’t think I was responsible enough to take care of it and watch it grow. Sure, they bought me the “grow your own butterfly kit”, so evidently I was responsible enough for that but seeds? Yeah, no, I understand how the complexity of seeds might be a little too much for a kid who’s a single father at age 7! Okay, granted, I was a single father of butterflies, but still…

3) Liquor

Writing a thank you note usually goes better without the aid of alcohol, but I'm willing to give it a try.

Okay, this one isn’t as common… or as useless, but still, I’m just throwin’ it out there. I mean, think about it, what’s the gift that keeps on giving? If you guessed rum, you would be correct. I can’t tell you how many unforgettable nights that I’ve created with friends and rum… that were then forgotten after drinking more rum. Besides, think about it. Family time around the holidays? Who wouldn’t wanna be drunk for that? I’m just sayin’, never underestimate getting a friend and/or loved one a gift that they’d actually use… like liquor.

So there ya have it folks, my brief guide to the gifts of 2010. Ranging from the expensive and impractical to the cheap and tawdry, there’s no wrong way to celebrate the holidays.


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