The Great Gatsby: The latest 3D abomination

I’ve got a question for Baz Luhrmann. With The Great Gatsby in 3D, are you hoping to show the hit and run from Myrtle’s point of view? Because I think it’d be really great to have the car coming at you, ya know? I mean, that’s what 3D is all about, right? Enhancing the visual experience!

Oh, and I also think now would be a great time to talk about implementing D-Box technology. You know, the seats that rumble to get the viewers physically engaged in what’s going on the screen. Nothing increases the horror of having a hit and run scene like having a rumble pack for when the car drives over the body, right?

But let me get folks up to speed. For those of you who don’t follow the movie biz… or read about it… or read in general now that I think about it, The Great Gatsby is just one of the latest screen adaptations. Never mind the fact that’s it been done several times before (the most recent being the 2000 Hallmark version starring Paul Rudd) or that the book itself is only, like, 115 pages or so. Nope, this remake just had to be done because not only is it illogical to expect kids to read, but to watch something without the use of 3D technology? Why, we might as well be sticking bamboo chutes under their fingernails. It’s just plain barbaric!

Then again, I’m not exactly sure what I was expecting. Baz Luhrmann’s a bigger thief of others story material than Quentin Tarantino is, although to be fair to Luhrmann, at least his camerawork tends to be innovative. Anybody remember a little movie called Romeo and Juliet starring Leo and Claire Danes? At the risk of sounding like an old man, I think I finally get how my parents felt about that movie when it came out. Me? I was about 9 at the time, so I’m pretty sure I just loved it for the pretty colors, but man, to have something you love so thoroughly bastardized? Believe me, I feel the pain now.

Now I admit that I’ve been pretty harsh on 3D before… and, well, that’s not gonna stop now. Assuming (and this is a big assumption) that I can forgive the fact that this book is being remade into yet another movie, I’m not sure if I can deal with the 3D-ness of it all. The fact of the matter is, as much as I love the book, there’s nothing terribly cinematic about it. Almost the entire book is grounded in Nick’s introspection and an inner dialogue. Yes, it’s just as much about the relationships formed with all of these characters, but which elements have I described that seem like they lend themselves to 3D? It may take re-reading the book (I admit, it has been too long) but the only thing I’m coming up with is Myrtle and even then, the use of 3D and D-Box was just a sick joke, not an actual suggestion.

Still, if we’re being perfectly honest, even if Baz Luhrmann was reading this, I don’t expect him to take my suggestions. See, I wasn’t really planning on seeing his remake back when it was slated to be in regular, ol’ 2D. But if things are the same in high schools today as they were back in 2004 or so? To all the students that plan on seeing this 2012 remake in lieu of reading the book, you should probably know that F. Scott Fitzgerald didn’t write it in 3D for the test.

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