Porn for the Plotlines

Warning: Today’s post is um… indelicate. Then again, if you didn’t get that from the title, you’re probably too stupid to read this part too…

So, here’s the thing… we’re all adults here so I feel like we can communicate openly about some “adult” matters. Whether you watch it or not, porn is most people’s dirty little secret. That’s just the Puritanical America we live in. But that’s not really here or there because no matter how you slice it, porn is a fact of life. It fulfills a primal urge that many of us have. For propriety’s sake we’ll just call it “letting off some steam.”

Now, one of the things that porn is notorious for (besides, well, being porn) is the terrible acting. Despite the fact that it’s full of terrible acting, there’s still an annual “Porn Oscars.” I’m pretty sure it’s got a classier name than that, but that’s not the point. The “porn Oscars” celebrate performances and technical proficiency. The question is, who cares about acting and camera technique when it comes to letting off steam? But for whatever reason, the awards ceremony still exists. The perfect example is this tendency to remake famous movies into pornos. There’s even been this change from porn remakes of movies to porn TV shows, like 30 Rock: An XXX Parody. Granted not the most original name, but this whole idea of a concept porn just seems way too heady for “letting off steam.”

But the perfect example is Michael Lucas’s La Dolce Vita, rumored to be one of the most expensive pornos to date. That claim to fame is probably one of the only reasons people continue to talk about it. But that’s one thing I can’t get my head around. What could possibly make it the most expensive porn? You can slash the wardrobe budget by just not having anybody wear any clothes, so it seems weird that any porno would devote that much money to wardrobe. I mean, do people even need expensive porn? It’s a pretty primal need that they’re trying to fulfill and people will probably buy it either way. But the real question is, why La Dolce Vita? I mean, if we’re being perfectly honest, I have a hard enough time trying to get through the original with pretty much no incentive to try and sit through an “adult” version of it.

Truth of the matter is, they’ll probably keep making things like this. I’m not sure why, but they probably won’t stop until people stop buying them. But let me help people out. You’ll be hard pressed to find someone who watches this stuff for the storylines or the acting.

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