Desperate times call for desperate measures. As Chicago prepares for one of the worst Winter storms it’s seen in years, most people’s thoughts have turned to survival. Jewels are overcrowded with people stockpiling and even though the skies are clear (well, in terms of snowfall at least) the streets are utterly deserted. So what am I to do at a time like this? I mean, all signs point to travelling to the local jewel and joining the crazies as they prepare for the end of days, but instead my boredom (and lack of TV) has led me to flights of fancy. Ya ou know, mind games and hypotheticals to keep out the mind numbing boredom that’s sure to hit around hour 2 of my snow-in.
So here it goes, and feel free to play along. Say you’re snowed in and the weather doesn’t show any signs of improving. So, who do you choose to keep you company? I’m not talking about a companion to help keep your mind off the dwindling food supplies. No, I’m talkin’, who do you keep company when the food actually runs out? Okay, look, I’ve been trying to find a nice way to say this, but I don’t think there’s a polite way of saying it… who would you eat?
Now I know it’s still early and we like to keep thoughts of cannibalism on our “worst case scenario” list, but I’m just sayin’, if this storm is gonna get as bad as they say it is, it might not be such a bad idea to have people in mind to eat, okay?!? No judgment.
So lemme lay out the rules.
1) You are limited to 5
2) The people in question must be alive as of this game.
3) They CAN be celebrities or people you may not know personally.
So here’s my top 5…
5) Roseanne Barr
Okay, look, I know it’s just a hypothetical, but it never hurts to be practical about this stuff, okay? Without being too mean, I’m just sayin’, do you have any idea how long Roseanne Barr would last? I mean, you could be snowed in for, like a month and you’d still have left over Roseanne!
4) Ann Coulter
I have a couple fears about this one. I mean, for God’s sake, look at her! She’s pretty stringy so that might end up being a problem and if her books are indication, she’s pretty tasteless. But the thing that Ann Coulter has going for her (besides being lean and bland, which could be fixed with plenty of ketchup) is it’d be pretty much guilt free. I’m in no way advocating violence against Ann Coulter, but if push came to shove, I feel like I could take her… and not feel as bad about it as, say, Hillary Clinton.
3) My Kindergarten Bus Driver, Pam
I know, it’s a shock that I wasn’t able to Google Image my old bus driver, but rest assured, pam’s a solid addition to the list. It’s nothing personal against her, it’s just that, she’s an older woman now. She’s lived a good life (at least from what I can tell from those bus rides to Hilltop that took place almost 18 years) but snowed-in and reduced to cannibalism? Yup, it’s all about the sacrifices. And here’s the thing, what’s more tragic? A talented youth, struck down in his prime? For those thrown off by the description, that was supposed to be me. Or an elderly woman whose final wish was to save the life of said young man? Yeah, that’s what I thought…
2) Wesley Snipes Forget the fact that the first shot I could find after searching for “Wesley Snipes” is his mugshot, can you honestly remember the last time Snipes contributed anything worthwhile to the American public? My last count is 2004 for Blade Trinity and even that’s a stretch. I mean, I hate to be that guy, but I feel like people wouldn’t even really notice he was gone… I mean, sure, maybe one day people would be like “Huh, I wonder whatever happened to Wesley Snipes?” and then one of their friends would be, like, “Oh, didn’t you hear? He was snowed in with that Calhoun guy back in the Chicago blizzard of 2011 and he ate him.” His friend would then respond, “Oh yeah… I forgot about that.” and life would continue on as usual.
1) Christian Bale Christian Bale has proven himself the master of weight gain. I mean, just look at the difference between The Machinist and Batman Begins. Bale would be the perfect candidate because I could fatten him up Hansel & Gretel style before eating him and hopefully make him last as long as Roseanne Barr.
Disclaimer: This is just to cover my own ass. I in no way endorse cannibalism, but it never hurts to be prepared. Oh yeah, and then there’s this whole thing where it’s a joke!