Ya know what? Judge me if you will, I don’t care, but I think it’s not such a bad idea. Allow me to explain. I’ve been goin’ to the gym a lot lately. I don’t have a lot to keep myself busy and I’m trying to make good on the closest thing I’ve got to a New Year’s Resolution, but there’s one thing that always gets to me.
I’m a privacy person. No, seriously, I think sweating in public is, like, borderline pornographic. I hate to do it, but the gym has better equipment than the stuff I could fit into my pathetic studio apartment, so I’m pretty much out of options. So can you imagine the horror that is the gym locker room?
Gym locker rooms should probably be off-limits to sexually frustrated gay men who are insecure as it is. But without fail, there are always two extremes whenever I get there. There are the wrinkly old asses of DePaul alums and for lack of a better term, the “less than attractive people.” Before anybody thinks I’m being too harsh, I should probably warn that that’s category I belong too, so I can’t judge too harshly. I mean, I’m far from having backne (back acne, for those of you who were wondering) and braid-able back hair, but that’s my category nevertheless.
Then there are the assholes that serve as a daily reminder to us ugly people that perfection exists… just not for us. There’s one guy, who I’ve appropriately named Porn Star Body (PSB for short) because he’s seriously got the type of physique that you only see in dirty movies. I mean, it’s unreal.
So consider me an ambassador for the ugly people and consider this a plea to please stop coming to my gym. Seriously, you can skip the gym a couple of days without losing the abs. Or maybe we can work out a schedule where the ugly people get the gym for one day and you get the next day? Or designated hours? Seriously, anything because my already deflated ego can’t take it much longer.
Oh yeah, and before I finish, do you know who I can talk to about all the mirrors in the gym? I get it, I don’t look good when I’m working out, so I really don’t need to see my unattractive facial expressions from four different sides. Thanks.