Disclaimer: Proceed at your own risk. It’s been awhile since I’ve felt the need to post a warning, but for today’s post? It’s warranted. This is for all those relatives that wanted to friend me on Facebook and may find my sad attempts at writing “cute” or “endearing.” This post is neither cute nor endearing. It contains adult themes and adult language… which is pretty much code for sex and various uses of the word “fuck.” Oh, and if you could not let this get back to my dad or mom, that’d be great too. Furthermore, this post is about no one in particular, so I don’t want anyone getting huffy about what’s written in here, it’s just a general observation.
Remember when your parents would tell you “silence is golden”? Sure, it usually related to you popping your bubble gum in church or stomping around the hose, but now that I’ve been given a little perspective, it’s come to me that truer words have never been spoken. Silence is golden. Especially during sex.
I mean, I’m not gonna go all weird Scientology on it and say that it has to be “silent sex”, but really, who thinks that that particular moment is a good time to strike up conversation? I only warn against it because I’ve experienced firsthand and I’m sorry, but “dude, shut up, you’re kinda killin’ this for me” is a little less than romantic, but how do you get someone to stop? No, I mean, seriously, I have no idea how to get someone to stop talking during sex. Does anybody have any ideas? But the whole thing is a bit of a conundrum because, at the same time that I don’t know how to get someone to stop talking during sex, I have no idea how to continue a conversation during it. Call me committed or maybe just plain insane, but I’m kinda focused during the act, so I’m never quite sure what the other person is talking about, so that makes continuing it even further a little more difficult. Even if I was one hundred percent focused on what the other person is saying, I hate small talk. Small talk is what’s supposed to lead up to getting the other person in bed, it’s not supposed to actually happen in bed. Besides, the problem with “sex small talk” is that it’s never enough for a follow-through conversation, but just enough to make it annoying. I mean, is the sex really that bad that you feel the need to recount your day instead of focusing on the deed at hand?
Still, there is one thing worse than “sex small talk” and that would be the constant narration that some folks feel the need to supply. I can’t even begin to tell you some of the things I’ve heard people say. Like, really, you’re gonna comment on my body now? I kinda assumed you thought I had a good body when I got naked and we started doing this so consider that territory covered. And then there are the people that go so far as to narrate the events. I’m right here, so I kinda know what’s happening and unless you’re fuckin’ Howard Cosell, let’s skip the play-by-play, shall we? I can appreciate that some people may think that it’s their obligation to acknowledge the things they find attractive about the other person, but when you comment on something like, say, my pecs, do you realize what that does? It just makes me hyper-aware of my pecs. Why did he say that? Does he notice that one’s bigger than the other? Is he surprised that I have nice pecs? Because I work those out daily, okay? Compliments just unleash a whirlwind of crazy, so let’s just keep it quiet, shall we?
I’m not saying no noises ever. After all, that’d just be weird, but the small talk and the narration and the poorly timed compliments? It’s all too much sometimes, so let’s stick to that old adage, shall we? Silence is golden.