Helpful Reminders for St. Patty’s Day

Well, that time is upon us.
Every year, around this time, the drunks start coming out of the woodwork. Now, normally, I’d be joining them, but not today. No, today I’m just a casual observer. But considering how early it is, and all of the faux pas I’ve already seen it, it seems this new generation of celebrators could use a little help. What follows is a list of things people ought to keep in mind on St. Patrick’s Day. Some might help the celebration, others are just things that are long overdue when it comes to some of the less than desirable people who “celebrate” this day.

Eat Breakfast- Now I know nobody’s going to listen when I say shit like “breakfast is the most important meal of the day” so let me try another approach. Breakfast, or any food in your stomach, keeps you from getting sick too quickly. Now, it’s not a foolproof plan, as some people will insist on drinking themselves into a coma even after eating a five course meal, but those people are beyond saving. Anyways, something starchy is always a good way to start the day, especially if you plan on having a little Bailey’s in your coffee.

Avoid Acts of Public Indecency- It sounds like common sense, but get most people drunk enough and it’s the last thing to occur to them. I’m gonna issue a blanket “public indecency”, because for some people it’s public urination and for some others, it’s the odd and uncontrollable desire to take off one’s clothes. No matter how you let your freak flag fly, just be aware and try to keep it together, okay? I’m not saying this as a prude or someone trying to ruin your fun or anything. I’m saying this as someone who’s come dangerously close to receiving several tickets for public indecency himself. And believe me, St. Patrick’s day is one of the roughest days of the year.

Green Stuff Stains- I get it,. It’s cute and all that bullshit, but seriously, when everyone puts green dye in all of their shit, it’s a mess for people like me. See, I’m clumsy as it is. Get booze in me, and it just makes me drunk and clumsy. This inevitably leads to some fantastic decisions, which inevitably end with green lips and a green tongue and at least one ruined shirt, so word to the wise, don’t waste your time dressing up. Slap on something green and you’re golden. besides, half the population of the city is as drunk as you, so who’s really gonna give a shit? Just keep in mind that it’s damn near impossible to escape St. Patrick’s day without at least one green stain.

You’re Not Really that Irish- My final recommendation is for those who insist on feigning heritage and cultural awareness. I know there are definitely folks out there who are invested in their Irish roots, but I don’t think the number of people who celebrate are really that in touch with their ancestry. So this isn’t for everyone, this is for the douche bag frat boy and his orange spray tan girlfriend who insist on drinking, like, a whole thing of wine coolers “in honor” of the holiday. It seems lame to throw around the term “poseurs” as a 23 year old, but there’s really no other word for it.

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4 thoughts on “Helpful Reminders for St. Patty’s Day

  1. “this is for the douche bag frat boy and his orange spray tan girlfriend who insist on drinking, like, a whole thing of wine coolers “in honor” of the holiday”

    That line right there…brilliance!

  2. The best advice you gave is to remember that half of the population is drunk, why try too hard? It’s kind of like that tip for public speaking to pretend everybody is naked. I’m just going to start living my life as though everybody I interact with is drunk and won’t remember what I do or say.

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