3 Signs You May Be the Next Mary Kay Letourneau

Relationships are tricky. It’s hard to sort through all of the bullshit to find someone sincere and someone compatible. But then again, there’s always that moment of unparalleled happiness when you find that person you just know you’re meant to be with. Wait, what the hell am I talking about? I’m still single.

Okay, so maybe I’m not the go to guy when it comes to relationship advice. Strike that, I’m not the guy for healthy relationship advice, but I sure as hell can tell you what not to do. See, I don’t have a lotta luck out there. No, this isn’t one of those self pity posts, it’s just plain true. I mean, sure I get hit on, but the guys I tend to attract… well, they tend to air on the younger side. Evidently it’s like a gay rite of passage or something. “Within 6 months of coming out, hit on Calhoun.” Seriously, it’s the only way I can explain it, because in the past 2 months, I’ve been approached by at least five 18 year olds. I’m sure I’d love it if I were a little older, but at my age, there’s just enough difference in age that you better hope the sex is good, because you sure as hell have nothing in common to talk about.

But back on track, here are a few warning signs that might help when asking yourself, “how young is too young?”

3. If he texts his friends during sex.
Okay, so there are a lotta things at work here. I mean, first of all, there’s just basic etiquette. Now, I know people don’t toss around a whole lotta Emily Post rules when sex is involved, but it’s just pretty standard that once dicks are out, phones should be put away. Consider it like flying on an airplane. When the “plane takes off” (damn me and my clumsy sex metaphors), please put away all electronic devices. You should be focusing on the task at hand. Plus, if he’s really that excited that he’s having sex, you gotta wonder how long it’s been… or if it’s ever happened before and that just takes us into a whole other messy territory.

2. If he high-fives afterwards.
Everybody has their after-sex rituals and they vary from person to person. Some people go for a cigarette, others take a nap, there’s really no right or wrong way to do the whole post-coital thing. Actually, I take that back. There’s a definite wrong thing to do. That would be the high five. It might seem like a ridiculous thing to include, but believe me, it’s worth mentioning. For those wondering, yes, I’m speaking from personal experience. I’d also like to rule out back pats and ass slaps. Those belong on the football field or the basketball court. As a rule of thumb, anything you do with your teammates in the locker room, you should probably keep out of the bedroom.

1. If he has no idea who Mary Kay Letourneau is.
This is just a good rule of thumb. I mean, Mary Kay Letourneau was what, mid 90s? I mean, sure it’s 2011 now, but if he wasn’t paying attention to the news cycle in the mid-90s? Well, that either means he’s too young or just plain stupid. Both of which are deal breakers if ya ask me. Plus, half the fun of dating a younger man is making Mary Kay Letourneau jokes (yes, there really are that many) and if he doesn’t get those? Well, it’s like you said, you better hope the sex is good because you two probably won’t be doing a whole lotta talking.

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