5 Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

It seems like you can’t read the news these days, without some unexplainable event taking place that everyone seems to believe is a sign of the end of days. If you’re a member of the Westboro Baptist Church, that could describe lierally just about anything. These are the same people that thought that September 11th was God’s way of telling humans that he was pissed for tolerating the gay lifestyle. Then you have more recent events, like the unexplained animals dying around the world in recent months. Now, I love the signs of a good apocalypse as much as the next person, but it seems like everyone’s always looking for the next apocalypse. In order to help the paranoid state of people everywhere, I’ve decided to compile a checklist of signs that armageddon is upon us. If you recognize any of these from the list, I would recommend that you stockpile canned goods and bottled water, but eh, I doubt it’ll do any good.
Read and enjoy!

5. Fran Drescher actually says something amusing and/or relevant.

I feel pretty safe that this one won’t happen, but in the event that it does, well, that pretty much spells the end of it for the human race. I mean, out of curiosity, what was that supposedly made Drescher funny? Was it the over-the-top accent or the nasally laugh? Because those aren’t so much funny as they are annoying. In fact, to me, the only thing scarier than the fact that The Nanny lasted six seasons, is the idea of Fran Drescher making a comeback. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a little and Fran Drescher won’t symbolize the literal end of the world, but I can safely say that’d be the end of a world that I wanna live in.
Type of Apocalypse: Did you ever see The Happening? I’m picturing a mass suicide kinda thing…

4. I vote Republican.

Now this one is only slightly more plausible than the Fran Drescher one, but I can safely say that this one has much scarier consequences. I’m not sure if readers may get this from any of my posts, given that I’m so enigmatic and un-opinionated, but I am not a Republican. Certainly not in this life and if I have anything to say about it, not in the next either. This isn’t to say that I have an issue with Republicans (okay, well, maybe some considering Palin isn’t too high on my list) but it’s just not my scene. I’m much more of a “social issues” voter than I am a “member of the richest 2% of the population” kinda guy. That being said, the likelihood of me ever voting Republican isn’t terribly likely. I might even go so far as to call it a “when hell freezes over” scenario, but either way, it’s not a good sign for the future of our nation if I’m willing to vote Republican.
Type of Apocalypse: I’m picturing an ugly future of political genocide at the hands of Christine O’Donnell or Sarah Palin.

3. The Trix Rabbit finally gets his damned Trix.

I mean, this little happy ending has been how many years in the making? It just seems about time that he got what he was after, much like the long overdue Wile E. Coyote and Roadrunner compromise. But what happens if he finally does get those Trix that he’s been after all these years? I’m just sayin’, when that much time and investment pays off, no good can come of it. What else is there to live for? At least then, the Trix rabbit can die a happy man… rabbit… man-rabbit hybrid? What does that mean for the rest of us? I dunno, here we are at another “when hell freezes over” moment. I literally can’t even imagine this happening, so I feel like we’re safe… for now.
Type of Apocalypse: Death by cereal mascot? I dunno, either way, I don’t wanna be around to witness this one

2. People get naked and then start ascending into the heavens, then jesus and the Anti-Christ have a really intense thumb wrestling match or rock, paper scissors tournament… I dunno, I admittedly never really understood the Rapture.

The Rapture in comic book form. Comics just got a whole helluva lot cooler!

I don’t mean to step on any toes, but there are some things that I can’t help but get a little confused by. I mean, if you’re a big believer in God, you hafta admit that this is a pretty weird story, right? I’m sure there are some complexities to it that I may be missing and if anybody wants to fill me in on it and try to explain it to me without laughing, I’m willing to give it a shot. Arguably the funniest one on the list, I couldn’t give it the number one slot in good conscience, considering this one’s too wacky for me to make up.
Type of Apocalypse: Religious? I don’t even know how to describe this one…

1. The Golden Girls reunite on a late night talk show… and proceed to eat Betty White, the last remaining Golden Girl.

I know this is an emotional topic for some, considering what The Golden Girls did for the sex lives of geriatrics everywhere or the boom in the cheesecake industry, but there’s just no way around it. Estelle, Bea, and Rue are no longer with us and as much as I loved them in life, I’d prefer they stay dead. Still, if you find yourself watching Conan or Letterman late one night and the host says he’s got a special surprise for his guest, Betty White, and it turns out to be one of these three women (or all three), or at least their re-animated corpses, you hafta know that’s not gonna end well. I mean, Betty White is a national treasure and with her publicity and influence, you know it’s only a matter of hours before the zombie plague spreads.
Type of Apocalypse: Zombie Apocalypse


5 thoughts on “5 Signs of the Impending Apocalypse

    • I’m afraid that’s just the kind of world we live in… besides, with all these zombie apocalypse movies, you gotta find a way to up the ante somehow! haha

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