What’s a Friday without a little doomsday prophecy? The fact of the matter is, even if you wanted to escape it, there’s not much of a chance of that happening. With some religious fanatics claiming the world will end on May 21, 2011 (that’s 22 days and counting, folks) while the Mayan calendar would have you believe it won’t be till December 21, 2012, it’s hard to tell who to believe. Here’s some solid advice… believe me. For your viewing pleasure, I’ve listed the five reasons I believe the world will end. Maybe not in May, maybe not in 2012, but it’s a-comin’ and you better prepared for it to get ugly.
Ignoring my previous theory that Paul Walker himself is the anti-christ and scrapping the whole rapture theory, can anyone give me one good reason why this shouldn’t send chills down my spine? If this is what passes for entertainment these days, I wouldn’t be surprised if God himself wiped out humanity just for the hell of it. “You dare cast Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in the same movie again? Well, if that’s not blasphemy, then I don’t know what is.”
4. That’d Just Be My Luck
I’ve got a great dog. I’m actually settled in my apartment after several months. I finally found a hairstyle that doesn’t make me feel like a Bruce Willis impersonator. All in all, for once in a long, long time, I feel like I’ve got myself back on track. Then again, the universe would wanna go and cock it up for me. What’s that? You’re wondering how I managed to make the end of the world all about me? I know, it’s a gift.
People may have been noticing a trend in my posts… that’s right, shock of the century, I’m not a Glee fan. But it’s not even that. The fact that they continue to make money and gain media attention is beyond me. Some of them are legitimately talented, but the auto-tune just proves to be too much. It’s like if T-Pain fucked one of the robots from the “It’s a Small World” ride, their love child would sound something like the kids from Glee. Once again, I’m convinced that America’s low standards will prove to be the final nail in our coffin.
2. The Royal Wedding Supposedly Drew in 2 Billion Viewers
Now, this in and of itself, isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sure, it’s a little strange considering it doesn’t really affect nearly that many people… but can we look at some of the other “once in a lifetime” events that have been televised in the past decade or so? How much viewership do you think Hurricane Katrina got? Sure, at first it definitely got media attention, but the fact that we make such a huge deal out of a superfluous event that doesn’t really impact our lives that much makes me a little nervous… then again, if people throw these kinds of parties for the Royal Wedding, I can safely say that the End of the World party will be pretty awesome. And hey, if we time it right, I may not even hafta deal with the hangover the next day!
The joke sells itself.
If you legitimately wonder why I may feel this way, I can give you plenty of reasons, but for now, my faith in humanity is dead, I can’t even bear to think about Trump.