When Cuteness Kills

The other day, I found myself with some time to kill. What better way to spend the day than watching Piranha 3D?
Trick question, there is no better way to spend the day. As I watched the hungry little fish devour an obscene amount of male and female genitalia, I began to think about these little guys. Personally, I think they get a bad wrap. Just because they’re ugly doesn’t mean they’re murderous… although in this case, I guess they happen to be both. But still, there are tons of other adorable animals that pose just as much of a threat. I submit to you, my list of adorable animals that deserve their own “killer animal” movies.

5. Platypus

When I was little, I used to always joke, “You know if there is a God, at least he has a sense of humor. How do you know that? Just take a look at the platypus!” I know, I know, not exactly Lenny Bruce, but what do you expect? I was, like 6. Still, after looking more into the platypus, you can’t help but realize that they are one messed up animal and surprisingly deadly. As he matures, the male platypus develops a venomous spur. Don’t believe me? Wikipedia it. Finally having had enough of the torment of their human counterparts, the platypi (platypuses? I have no idea) plot to take back the Earth by force, using their venomous spurs and their general adorable-ness to catch the humans offguard. Watch out, folks. They’re comin’.

4. Three-toed Sloth

The three-toed sloth is generally thought of as slow-moving, lethargic, and generally harmless, right? Wrong. Their habitat in the trees makes for the perfect cover for any unsuspecting victims. Just imagine it. You’re strolling through some South American rainforest. You hear the rustle of foliage overhead. You look around. Nothing’s there, so you keep walking. You hear the sound again, only this time when you look up you see a big mass of fur descending upon you. Its death howls are the last thing you hear before it uses two of those three toes to rip your face off. Okay, so I don’t know if sloths literally make death howls, so we might hafta jazz it up Hollywood style, but afterwards? Exotic rainforest vacations will never be the same.

3. Penguins

Still upset that the directors of March of the Penguins took home the Oscar, after the penguins did all the work, the birds decide its time for a little payback. Never before has something so adorable been so terrifying. I mean, whether we want to admit it or not, there’s strength in numbers and in that sense, penguins have got it goin’ on. More than that, this time it’s personal. That’s right, I saw what those two French guys put the poor penguins through and, well, I never thought I’d say it, but this time, the human race has what’s comin’ to it. Why did we ever think we could play penguin God?!? Now it’s time to pay for our sins.

2. Kangaroos

Keeping up with that whole “strength in numbers” thing, we have the kangaroo. Just a fun fact that I learned from my Danimals yogurt (shut up, just cuz it’s marketed to kids doesn’t mean you hafta be a kid to drink it!) Kangaroos outnumber people in Australia 2 to 1. Even now, that number is growing. Hostile takeover? I think so! Plus, I don’t know about any of the rest of you, but I saw those Looney Tunes with the kangaroo boxer… now that guy did not mess around. It’s not only their numbers, but their deadly athletic abilities too. If kangaroos decide to take over the world? Man, are we screwed. Not to mention their kick is supposedly strong enough to kill a man.

1. Otters

After disarming us all with the cuteness of the YouTube sensation “Otters Holding Hands”, these guys could take over the world with ease. I remember when I was a kid and I was first learning about these animals. I was always amazed at how they would use rocks to crack open the shells of clams and oysters. Now that I think about it, the thought should have filled me with fear. They’re already using tools? What will they think of next? While we’re still struggling to find dry land after the Polar Ice Caps melt, these guys will be set for life. It may take them awhile before they can exert total dominance and supremacy over the human race, but rest assured, that day is coming.

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