As we find ourselves moving into the fast-paced frenzy of the Summer blockbuster, there’s a distinct pattern to the movies Hollywood spoon feeds us. Now the blockbuster itself is a bit of a cliched formula, but for the purpose of taking a look at more than just the Michael Bays of the film world, let’s take a look at what this summer has to offer us. Now, it’s still early in the game, but there’s still plenty more of where that came from! Let’s take a look at the fine offerings that Hollywood has for us this summer, shall we?
Have you ever seen a movie so painful that you actually thought waterboarding might be a nice alternative? Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting. See, not only do you hafta put your dreams on hold after having kids, but then there’s the occasional Kevin James or Jim Carrey movie that you have to put yourself through. rest assured, your kids will be too ADD to pay attention to the movie, but you’ll be forced to suffer through every lame sight gag and recycled joke that Hollywood can through at you.
4. The Sex Comedy
A.K.A. “What’s up, buddy? Wanna fuck?”
Sex comedies have been around for years. There was once a time where the sex comedy was a novel idea, even scandalous to some. Well, in the modern age of excess, the double entendres of the Doris Day and Rock Hudson have been traded in for shots of gratuitous nudity. Now, I’m no prude, but how about a little craftsmanship, folks? Is that so much to ask? Instead, what we’re treated to is an hour and a half of two beautiful people jumping each other’s bones and a sloppy ending where they decide that they don’t want to have sex anymore, they want to “make love.” Look at Hollywood’s track record, if you don’t believe me. We’re already being forced to sit through this movie twice in 2011 alone.
perhaps the most reprehensible of all of these categories, it’s been a while since a solid sequel has come along. We’ve given up on making movies that actually continue the storyline or revisit the characters we know and love from the first one. No, instead we get the same story, the same jokes, the same characters, but if we’re lucky, we get a new location or maybe even a new plot device. Okay, the new plot device is strictly wishful thinking at this point, but it’s gotta happen sometime, right?
2. The Superhero Movie
A.K.A. “Generic guy becomes slightly less generic… oh yeah, and he saves the world or something”
There never seems to be a shortage of comic book superheroes who are ready to make that leap from the ink-soaked pages to the big screen. Sometimes, these kinds of movies are even done right. More often than not though, Hollywood takes a beloved piece of pop culture and crams it within the confines of their own movie making process. Loss of a loved one? Check. Love interest? Check. Overcoming a seemingly unbeatable villain? Check. Now if you can throw in some special effects and maybe a little quippy humor, you’ve got yourself a movie.
God bless the Michael Bays and Jan de Bonts of this world. Where would we be without them? perhaps enjoying the nice Summer weather, but really, who wants to do that? Instead, I could be watching things blow up (in high-def and/or 3D, no less) and watching a couple of people run away from stuff in slow-mo. I mean, when faced with the two options, which one are you gonna pick? Oh yeah, and if you’re up for a Michael Bay movie, be sure to bring a flask so you can take a shot every time a character says something clichéd, ridiculous, or offensive. Double shots for when he has his characters say ridiculously offensive things.