Things I’ve Learned From the Movies: Horror Edition- Get Sluttier Friends

We all know the rules of horror movies by now. Well, most of us who have ever seen more than two or three slashers or even people who have seen Scream know what I’m talking about. And yet, the one we always return to is this whole “no sex or you’ll get slashed” rule. Now there was a point in time where that was entirely true, but modern slashers are finding themselves with a lot more leeway when it comes to the traditional rules.

Still, say you’re a purist and you’d like to follow in the footsteps of the Carpenters, Cunninghams, and Cravens before you. That, of course, means the “sex = death” rule. After all, you don’t wanna end up like Kevin bacon in Friday the 13th do you? While the more pious might suggest “abstinence only”, let’s be real, that doesn’t work for all of us. So what are you gonna do?

Well, if you’re anything like me, you’re just gonna get sluttier friends. I mean, does that really solve the problem? The body count always belongs to the most sinfully decadent and hedonistic characters so let’s take a look at it from a pure numbers perspective. Say I’ve slept with 3 people my entire life. Well, I’m bound to be better off than Suzie Floozy who slept with the entire football team, aren’t I?

All I’m saying is, a surefire way to survive a slasher movie if you insist on breaking the rules is to surround yourself by fellow rule breakers, preferably worse than you. If this means hanging out with prostitutes and crack addicts to guarantee your safety from Jason’s machete or Freddy’s knife gloves, it’s a small price to pay, isn’t it? Just don’t tell your parents it was my idea…

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