Top 5 Blow-Off Excuses: #4- The Insanity Defense

Now, this one takes a certain flair for the dramatic, so I warn you, it’s not for everyone… but in situations where one ends up desperate enough, there’s only one real way to go.

I am, of course, referring to the insanity defense. Now, just because it didn’t work out too great for Dan White, doesn’t mean that it can’t work in situations like this. Especially given that a lot of people in these scenarios… well, they aren’t always known for their intelligence, if you know what I mean. And if you don’t know what I mean? Full disclosure, but you’re probably one of the people that I’m talking about.

Now the insanity defense is really pretty simple when you come down to it. Think of all the weird/crazy stuff that someone you liked could do, before you would be forced to throw in the towel and say that enough is enough.

Now, unfortunately this one does involve a little math, but it’s simple enough.

Hotness – Craziness = Returns

So if you’re talking to someone who’s, say, a 7 but their craziness is a 3?

7 – 3 = 4

That particular venture would yield at least a 4. My thought process is that the return should at least be half of the Hotness factor, but then again, I’m not always known for my incredibly high standards… Anyways, another important element that needs to be factored in is the wild card of “crazy sex”, which I haven’t yet found a way to work into the formula. Honestly, you can factor in as you see fit. For those unaware, crazy sex is the phenomenon in which crazy people are sometimes the best sexual partners you could hope for. It’s not always a guarantee so you run the risk of no real return, but that’s a whole other thing which we can get into some other time.

So, we return to the question, how does this relate to you? Well, knowing the formula, you can proceed with caution. Granted, it requires a little introspection (meaning you have to assign yourself a numeric value) but in some instances it can end up saving your life.

Now it’s time to talk your crazy strategy. There’s always the standard “I hear voices” thing, but truth be told, that line of defense is a little tired. I personally like to go for a little more abstract crazy. Here’s a brief list of ideas.

– Only respond using Hall & Oates, Huey Lewis & the News, or Billy Joel lyrics
– In the same vein, sing all of your responses
– Uncontrollable twitching is always a good one
– Discuss the pros and cons of robot same-sex marriage (i.e. the civil union between C-3PO and R2-D2)
– Religion. Seriously, if you think about it, most religions do kinda make you sound like a crazy person…
– Baby talk the entire night

If you try one (or multiple) of these approaches, you’re pretty much guaranteed to have creepers leave you alone.


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