Top 5 Blow-Off Excuses: #2- The Racist Defense

Have you ever seen one of those people that you find attractive, but then you hear them talk and something snaps? See, I’m hyper-judgmental, so for me, it really doesn’t take much. For instance, using the wrong form of the word ‘to” or writing “accept” when you mean to say “except” but for most people, well, they at least feign tolerance whereas that’s never really been my thing.

Still, more often than not, we’ve all experienced that fleeting moment of attraction where you realize the person that you were crushing on hardcore is, in all actuality, an idiot, a pervert, or worse yet, a Republican. (Yes, it’s happened to me before)

So when faced with whatever undesired attention you may be experiencing, what else is there to do but take a page from somebody else’s book and make yourself as unattractive as possible? There are a number of ways to do this, but I figured I’d go with one of the most extreme. It seems safe to say that racism is generally pretty odious… besides the occasional white supremacist, I suppose. Still, for most people, it really doesn’t get much worse than that.

It seems important to state, here and now, that I do not advocate actual racism, but for general teaching purposes, I thought I’d use this example. Substitutes can be found after doing an “ocular patdown” of your target. For instance, if the undesirable has red hair, I can offer a host of insensitive ginger jokes. This is actually the preferred method because it cuts to the quick. Here’s a sample conversation.

Stranger: So, how’s it goin’?

Ocular Patdown. I can’t help but notice he’s got an alarming amount of arm hair. First things first, I think of all the borderline offensive Italian jokes I can think of. It’s a desperate attempt, but it’s all I got.

Me: Not a whole lot, just noticing an awful lot of Mario look-alikes in here…
(Note, the comparison between all Italians and the videogame character, Mario, may not be offensive enough for some, but you proceed as you need to. If the stranger laughs at your insensitive remark, up the intensity of subsequent remarks.)

At this point in time, I’m gonna leave you all to sort through the rest of this yourself. I already feel as if God’s just waiting for a chance to smite me and I’m not gonna give him any more ammo by engaging in hate speech…

Moral of the story, no one likes a bigot. Exploit the obvious insecurities of a complete stranger and you’re more than likely to be left alone. Sure, it’ll probably guarantee you a special place in Hell, but it’s totally worth it… right?


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