Appeal to the Gods of Gay

Listen, I’m not one to believe in higher power. Something about the idea that I might not be in control just never sounded that appealing to me. At the same time, I know that there’s something bigger than me, something more all-encompassing than me, something more… fabulous, if you will. So I take this opportunity to ask for help when I need it the most. I pray to the Gods of Gay, that RuPaul in the sky, for a little guidance.

Now, I know that stereotypes are bad and they reduce people to caricatures rather than real human beings, and all of that touchy feely bullshit. But let’s be honest, stereotypes do come from somewhere. That doesn’t mean it accounts for the entire population, but still, let’s not pretend they don’t exist, shall we?

So, if we’re being totally honesty… where are mine? I’m not saying I don’t have my stereotypical mannerisms, but what about the good ones? I’m just sayin’, I put up with a lot of shit growing up and coming out in small town Ohio. I endured the not-so-clever nicknames. I sat and watched as my life devolved into one long, unfunny Afterschool Special of the Week. And what do I have to show for it?

I’m not good at girl talk.
I can talk to girls, but when they start talking about their problems, I tend to tune out… or laugh at parts that probably weren’t intended to get a laugh.

I don’t do fashion.
I mean, sure, I can tell when I think somebody is wearing something ugly, but dressing myself? To give you an idea, I wore a shirt that I got from a tattoo parlor that came free with the purchase of a tattoo. Also, epaulettes? Did you know those were a thing? Cuz I just found out last week.

I can’t stand musicals.
There’s an exception to every rule. Reefer Madness? Absolutely… but that’s mainly cuz it’s about pot. The Full Monty? Sure, but I prefer the movie any day. Plus, my enjoyment of that one might hafta do with the whole male nudity thing. My Fair Lady? Still haven’t finished that one… I mean, how long can Audrey Hepburn fake sing about being poor before we’ve had enough? For me, “enough” was about 20 minutes in.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t get any gay stereotypes.

The body image issue thing?
Yeah, I’ve got that in spades. I know it’s not just a gay thing, but you can’t ignore that the whole gay culture is a bit shallow and youth-obsessed. At the age of 24, I fear it’s about time to be put out to pasture.

The complete lack of interest in most sporting events?
Don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with watching sporting events. After all, it’s a socially acceptable reason to drink at, like, noon on a Sunday. But the resulting hostility? I just don’t understand how people can get so upset. It’s just a game, people.

The dislike of most things Republican?
Oh… wait, no, that isn’t a bad thing. Yeah, I’m actually pretty proud that I fit into that one.

All I’m saying is, I’ve clearly been saddled with some of the stereotypes of being gay. Why couldn’t I get any of the good ones? Does that seem like it’s so much to ask? Anyways, hopefully my appeal to the Gods of Gay don’t fall on deaf ears, but I’m not expecting much. After all, I bet they’re kinda catty bitches…

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