It’s that time of year again! The time where we abandon our whole notion of “love yourself for who you are” and hop on the crazy “you fuck-up, just fix your goddamn life already” bandwagon. personally, I’ve never been one for New year’s Resolutions. I mean, you hafta come up with a new one every year… that’s a lotta work! Personally, I’ve never been much for introspection anyways, but in the spirit of self-improvement, I’ve decided I’d do a little work on Me, Myself, & I. Rather than set myself up for failure by picking things I won’t do, I decided I’d recognize my shortcomings and pick the list of New Year’s Resolutions I won’t be doing. It’s probably a shorter list anyways.
1) Drink Less.
Here’s the thing, people have bandied about the term “functioning alcoholic” in reference to me for years. The term seems a little colorful for my taste, but hey, whatever works. If I stopped drinking, I’d stop being “me.” Besides, has anyone stopped to think maybe the drinking thing isn’t my problem? If other people stopped being so boring when I was sober, maybe, just maybe, I’d drink less. The sad part is I don’t see either of those things happening.
2) Get Out More.
I can’t tell you how many people tell me their New Year’s resolution is to be more social. My question for them is, “why?” I mean, think about it. A New Year’s resolution takes place at the beginning of a new year, right? Why the hell are you gonna start going out more in the middle of January? Maybe if I didn’t live in Chicago, but even then, there’s the whole problem that most people I encounter can’t even tell the difference between their right and their left. Once again, why should I punish myself by listening to some douchebag prattle on about his “killer workout at the gym yesterday”?
3) Stop eating fried foods.
Why would I do that? They taste good.
Besides, it’s in the best interest of the general public that I keep eating fast food from time to time. I can get pretty damn cranky without my Wendy’s.
4) Work out.
This one has more to do with the rest of the world than it does myself. Getting in shape is one of the most common New Year’s resolutions there is. Let’s overlook my general dislike of floor-length mirrors and sweating in public. There is, of course, the obvious matter of not handling crowds well. Now imagine, if you can, the hordes of people who are actually delusional enough to think that they’ll stick with their New year’s resolutions. Most of ’em make it through the first month or so, making the gyms extra crowded, before dropping off. My refusal to make the New Year’s resolution of getting back in shape is really for them more than it is for myself. Think about it, by joining a gym, I’m just denying some hausfrau access to an Elliptical and her daytime talk shows. Now what kind of a human being would I be if I did that? I just couldn’t live with myself.
5) Stop being so fucking cynical.
Yeah, this one’s just not gonna happen.