5 Things I Want For My Birthday

Well, dear readers, as some of you may or may not know, I’ve got a birthday comin’ up.
The big 2-4… yeah, there’s a reason people never really say that. Anyways, I’m not one who’s too keen on celebrating being just another step closer to death, but ya know what makes all things better? Presents.
So if you’re feelin’ generous, be sure to send any one of these items on my Wish List my way.

5. Unicorn
I don’t want a unicorn so much as I want it so I can finally prove to be my first grade Sunday school teacher that unicorns do exist and yes, there is such a thing as a masculine unicorn. Still, how awesome would that be to have your own unicorn? It’d make the commute to class so much easier, but more importantly, I could brag about it to other people who would now be beneath me since they don’t have unicorns.

4. A Bigger Apartment
This is one of those “if you give a mouse a cookie” sorta deals. While a unicorn would be really great, I’m just not sure that I’ve got the space for it. I mean, I trip over the dog all the time and I imagine my dog is much smaller than a unicorn. Still, there are many reasons I wouldn’t mind a bigger apartment as a birthday present, the least of which would be the ability to tell my creepy landlord to suck it. What can i say? I’m a simple man.

3. World Peace
Nah, not really, but it just looks good on paper, ya know?

2. Sir Ian Mckellen For a Day to Read All my tweets and E-Mails
Okay, bear with me here. Do you ever think, “Man, this would totally be better if magneto was reading this…”? No? Really? That’s just a me thing? Okay, well, I firmly believe that life would be better if Ian McKellen was much more actively involved in my social media usage. I mean, you don’t get a “Sir” for nothing. he’s clearly just a hardcore kinda guy and I could go for a little more of that in my life. Still, I’m sure he’s a busy man, so I’m gonna be generous and only ask for him for one day. That’s, of course, not including travel time. Then again he can return to the stage or keep making movies with Peter Jackson or, ya know, whatever Sir Ian McKellen does in his down time.

1. A Shot for Shot Remake of Back to the Future With Howard the Duck in the Role of Marty McFly
No one’s debating the greatness of back to the Future, but now every time I watch it, I can’t help but think of Michael J. Fox and Parkinson’s and, well, frankly, it just kinda bums me out. But get this, can you ever really be bummed out when you’re watching a duck? I’ve even got the remake name picked out. “Quack to the Future.” See what I did there? Pretty good, right? Besides, with a name like Marty McFly? I mean, come on, that’s just genius! Ya know… cuz most birds, they, like, fly… and stuff. Ya know what? You folks are smart enough, you know where I was going with that.

So there you have it, my top 5 wish list. If you have any way of making any of those happen, and you have any shred of human decency left in your body, you be sure to let me know, okay?